Sunday, May 08, 2005
“Good Cop…” By The Jeff Jones
Frankly, I am sick of the same old police interrogations. The cops used to beat the information they wanted out of you like a glutton hitting a Chinese buffet. I don’t miss those days, but at least they took pride and pleasure in doing their job. Some of those bastards were real artists of pain.
However, what the current method of interrogation lacks in brute force, it makes up for with sheer boredom and repetition. You should know by now that any criminal worth their salt isn’t going to talk without a lawyer present. If I said I didn’t kill that guy the first time you accused me, why would I admit to the killing the hundredth time you ask me?
You’ve got to fix the interrogation room. Shining a bright light in my eyes only makes me uncomfortable and uncooperative. Furthermore, I advise you to eliminate the two-way mirror. You’re not fooling anyone with that old trick anymore. Also, a nice chair would make a world of difference. A massage chair that performs both deep tissue and shiatsu would be the best, but I understand that budgets are tight. How about a nice rocking chair once in awhile?
The worst part of being interrogated is that there isn’t any variety in the process. Some movies are timeless; you can watch them over and over without it getting old (like "The Godfather" for instance). Other movies are ok, but become less enjoyable after each successive viewing (such as most romantic comedies). I’m here to inform you that the “ Good Cop / Bad Cop” routine has become worse than any movie made by Reese Witherspoon, Julie Roberts, Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan.
If one cop threatens to hit me, I know the other cop will be offering me a cigarette within ten minutes. Seriously, the law enforcement community needs to be more innovative and creative with its interrogations. Luckily, I have spent a great amount of time examining the dichotomy between interrogation partners. New formats and routines are necessary to extract confessions from the jaded and sophisticated criminals of today.
So without further ado, I’m offering you the future cliché police interrogation partners.
Good Cop / Great Cop
Good Cop: “I know you’ve had a long night, but the sooner you confess the sooner all this will be over. Do you feel like confessing?”
Great Cop: “I made you a pie!”
Criminal: “Oh boy, pie!”
Deaf Cop / Mute Cop
Deaf Cop: “Now you tell my partner what really happen at the robbery, and the D.A. might go easy on you.”
Criminal: “ We killed all the bank tellers and hid the money in the trunk of a blue SUV parked in the Elm Street parking lot. We left the guns there as well.”
Mute Cop: “……. …….. ……….”
Deaf Cop: “ Fuck this isn’t working at all!”
Grandpa Cop / Jewish Mother Cop
Grandpa Cop; “Yup, back in 1948 we caught a guy how looked like you, no wait it was 1951. Yes Siree, that young hoodlum was in for Breaking and Entering, or was it Jaywalking? Anyway my cousin Albert had just bought a second-hand phonograph for old man Sweeny, who had a glass eye….”
Jewish Mother Cop: “ I can’t believe it. You used to such a nice young boy, and now you’re being interrogated. It breaks my heart to see you in here, but do you even care what this is doing to me. I can’t show my face in front of my friends because of the shame you’ve brought upon our family. Do you like making your mother unhappy….”
Criminal: “ I’ll confess, just put me in a nice quite prison cell away from these two, please.”
Santa Cop / Gossipy Jr. High School Girl Cop
Santa Cop: “ Santa only brings presents to good boys and girls who name accomplices”
Criminal: “Fuck off Santa, I never got the train set I wanted.”
Gossipy Jr. High School Girl Cop: “Vanessa says Tim is so cute but she knows that Sara already has a crush on Tim and No Way Valerie wore the same shirt twice this week ewww and Susan’s having a party but not inviting Becky cause she talked to Steve. Oh my God! Everyone wants to know who drove the getaway car the whole school is talking about it. So you know you it is?”
Criminal: “No, but I heard from Tom that Steve likes Vanessa.”
Robot Cop / Monkey Cop
Robot Cop: “The all information puts you at the scene of the crime Beep*. Preliminary ballistics matches your gun type to the one used Beep* It would be wise to confess Beep*
Monkey Cop “ Ooo Ah Ah Eeee Oo (throws feces) “
Criminal: “ Why did they make you two partners?”
Robot Cop: “Because he is not only my partner Beep* He is also my sexy hairy lover Beep*”
Criminal: “Eww Gross!”
Frankly, I am sick of the same old police interrogations. The cops used to beat the information they wanted out of you like a glutton hitting a Chinese buffet. I don’t miss those days, but at least they took pride and pleasure in doing their job. Some of those bastards were real artists of pain.
However, what the current method of interrogation lacks in brute force, it makes up for with sheer boredom and repetition. You should know by now that any criminal worth their salt isn’t going to talk without a lawyer present. If I said I didn’t kill that guy the first time you accused me, why would I admit to the killing the hundredth time you ask me?
You’ve got to fix the interrogation room. Shining a bright light in my eyes only makes me uncomfortable and uncooperative. Furthermore, I advise you to eliminate the two-way mirror. You’re not fooling anyone with that old trick anymore. Also, a nice chair would make a world of difference. A massage chair that performs both deep tissue and shiatsu would be the best, but I understand that budgets are tight. How about a nice rocking chair once in awhile?
The worst part of being interrogated is that there isn’t any variety in the process. Some movies are timeless; you can watch them over and over without it getting old (like "The Godfather" for instance). Other movies are ok, but become less enjoyable after each successive viewing (such as most romantic comedies). I’m here to inform you that the “ Good Cop / Bad Cop” routine has become worse than any movie made by Reese Witherspoon, Julie Roberts, Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan.
If one cop threatens to hit me, I know the other cop will be offering me a cigarette within ten minutes. Seriously, the law enforcement community needs to be more innovative and creative with its interrogations. Luckily, I have spent a great amount of time examining the dichotomy between interrogation partners. New formats and routines are necessary to extract confessions from the jaded and sophisticated criminals of today.
So without further ado, I’m offering you the future cliché police interrogation partners.
Good Cop / Great Cop
Good Cop: “I know you’ve had a long night, but the sooner you confess the sooner all this will be over. Do you feel like confessing?”
Great Cop: “I made you a pie!”
Criminal: “Oh boy, pie!”
Deaf Cop / Mute Cop
Deaf Cop: “Now you tell my partner what really happen at the robbery, and the D.A. might go easy on you.”
Criminal: “ We killed all the bank tellers and hid the money in the trunk of a blue SUV parked in the Elm Street parking lot. We left the guns there as well.”
Mute Cop: “……. …….. ……….”
Deaf Cop: “ Fuck this isn’t working at all!”
Grandpa Cop / Jewish Mother Cop
Grandpa Cop; “Yup, back in 1948 we caught a guy how looked like you, no wait it was 1951. Yes Siree, that young hoodlum was in for Breaking and Entering, or was it Jaywalking? Anyway my cousin Albert had just bought a second-hand phonograph for old man Sweeny, who had a glass eye….”
Jewish Mother Cop: “ I can’t believe it. You used to such a nice young boy, and now you’re being interrogated. It breaks my heart to see you in here, but do you even care what this is doing to me. I can’t show my face in front of my friends because of the shame you’ve brought upon our family. Do you like making your mother unhappy….”
Criminal: “ I’ll confess, just put me in a nice quite prison cell away from these two, please.”
Santa Cop / Gossipy Jr. High School Girl Cop
Santa Cop: “ Santa only brings presents to good boys and girls who name accomplices”
Criminal: “Fuck off Santa, I never got the train set I wanted.”
Gossipy Jr. High School Girl Cop: “Vanessa says Tim is so cute but she knows that Sara already has a crush on Tim and No Way Valerie wore the same shirt twice this week ewww and Susan’s having a party but not inviting Becky cause she talked to Steve. Oh my God! Everyone wants to know who drove the getaway car the whole school is talking about it. So you know you it is?”
Criminal: “No, but I heard from Tom that Steve likes Vanessa.”
Robot Cop / Monkey Cop
Robot Cop: “The all information puts you at the scene of the crime Beep*. Preliminary ballistics matches your gun type to the one used Beep* It would be wise to confess Beep*
Monkey Cop “ Ooo Ah Ah Eeee Oo (throws feces) “
Criminal: “ Why did they make you two partners?”
Robot Cop: “Because he is not only my partner Beep* He is also my sexy hairy lover Beep*”
Criminal: “Eww Gross!”
